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Seven billion baboons

[Seven Billion Baboons, 558 words, Genre: Mind Fudge]

* Image courtesy of Dirk de Bruyn

There are seven billion baboons. They inhabit this tiny little room. There are a select few baboons in charge of the other vast majority of baboons. They hold power and privilege over the other baboons.

The baboons are fighting amongst themselves. There is war, violence and destruction. Then one baboon calls out from the crowd, “Do unto others, what is done unto you.”

The baboons in charge nail this motherfucking baboon to a cross and kill it, thinking it’s seeking to lead a revolution.

Then the baboons in charge say, “Do unto others, what is done unto you.”

For a long time there are disorder and chaos amongst the baboons, and brief periods of understanding the phrase. Then the baboons in charge say amongst themselves, “Maybe we shouldn’t of killed that baboon. Maybe we should give baboons like this one who have something to say and contribute a chocolate instead.”

One baboon calls out from amongst the crowd, “Energy equals mass times velocity squared.”

The baboons see that there is a practical use for this and so reward the baboon with a chocolate. The other baboons who see this behaviour and the reward in turn start calling out, “Energy equals mass times velocity squared.”

The baboons in charge don’t know what to do. As all the other baboons are calling out the same thing. Their logic dictates to them that if they rewarded the initial baboon with a chocolate for saying this, then surely they must reward the other baboons who say this too. And so they do. Everyone who calls out the same thing gets rewarded with a chocolate.

Some other baboons come along and say some pretty useful stuff too. And so they are rewarded with chocolates. Then, once again all the other baboons around them start repeating the same thing and once again they are all rewarded with chocolates.

A whole bunch of things get said and soon the baboons are all roaming around repeating these magic words that allows them to get their chocolate. Pretty soon every baboon in that tiny little room is yelling out their magic words to get their chocolate. It’s once again descending into chaos.

Then one baboon says to himself, “Oh my god, everyone is an idiot.”

The baboons in charge think that this baboon must be smart if he thinks that everyone is an idiot. So they hand him a chocolate.

Soon afterwards other baboons hear of these magic words and start yelling out, “Oh my god, everyone is an idiot.”

The baboons in charge look around at the tiny little room. Everyone yelling out magic words, said by someone else. All calling out ‘Amen’ or ‘Hallejuah’. The baboons in charge can no longer tell the difference between the baboons who initially said the magic words and those baboons who simply agreed with or repeated the magic words.

Everything is descending into chaos in the tiny little room. Baboons are jumping around. Baboons are dropping bombs on one another. Baboons are arse-fucking one another. The tiny little room is once more chaos.

One of the baboons in charge says, “Maybe we shouldn’t have given chocolates to all the other baboons who simply repeated things…”

One of the baboons, flying high above the rest, jumping over some other baboons and the chaos below calls out, “Too late now motherfuckers!”


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11 replies »

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