[Key to Dimension Fuckhead, 725 words, Genre: Mind Fudge]
* Image courtesy of Dirk de Bruyn
As far as things went, Edward was way behind the technological revolution. When his brother had misplaced his iPhone, he had bought another one, only to find the old one. He had offered to give Edward the old iPhone and slowly, yet surely, Edward was going to join his human counterparts in the technological fist wank of status symbols with the latest gears and gadgets that the iPhone revolution had created. His brother gave it to him and he debated its use. “Well, I already have a phone. It plays some music and I can talk to people and message them. I don’t really see why I need this.”
“Don’t be so afraid of change. On an iPhone you have an iPod, phone and camera. And that’s not to mention all the cool apps you get access to. Apps like tinder.” His brother said the last line with a nudge and a wink. He had heard of tinder and other applications like it, making the act of sexual intercourse as meaningful as a handshake in a job interview.
“Okay, I will give it a go. I don’t care about the apps. Seems like a lot of different distractions that ultimately lead into procrastination from your life goals. However, my iPod’s broken, so I’ll give it a go.”
“Good for you. This will open up your world in ways you cannot believe. It’s like a key to a whole new dimension.” His brother patted him on the back.
Over the next hour and a half they sat together as his brother told him all the cool things you could do and all the other cool things people were doing with their iPhones. He spoke about how people were taking pictures of their food at restaurants and automatically rating their favourite restaurants.
Edward thought about it. It seemed like the whole iPhone culture was just one big popularity contest. People taking photos of themselves constantly, consistently seeking approval from everyone else around them, yet never feeling fulfilled. For the only thing that matters in the end of that quest is self-validation and the rest of the world could go fuck themselves for all Edward cared. But he did need an iPod and he could see some uses for the camera as long as he didn’t resort to, through boredom, taking photos of his erect penis and bowel movements. It was always a temptation… iPhones were a status symbol as many things were. He had to be careful not to buy into the bullshit.
His brother had sold him on the concept. A new world. All new possibilities. His brother left him there. Alone to play with his new toy. Edward opened up a beer and began his regular routine of chain smoking cigarettes. He kept on having this urge to touch the phone, he fought with that urge, but he shouldn’t have. Because after ten minutes of not interacting with the thing, the thing had an error message on its screen. Edward didn’t understand what had happened. He hadn’t even touched the thing. Perhaps that was the problem. He looked up all technical advice on his computer. It all told him to bring his iPhone into the iStore.
So that’s what he did. He drove down to the iStore with his second hand iPhone and went in to see someone. Inside the store there were employees getting around on segways, they were all moving around and repeating the same line, “Welcome to the future.”
All around him, all he could hear was, “Welcome to the future.”
“Welcome to the future.”
“Excuse me,” Edward raised his hand, in need of assistance.
“Yes, sir. Welcome to the future.”
“Yes, my iPhone. I need help.”
“Give me a look.” Edward handed over his iPhone to the employee at the employee’s direction. “Yes, I see. Well, you’ll need to buy a new iPhone.”
“No, I don’t need a new iPhone. I need this one fixed.”
“Sir, I have already resolved your issue. There are a selection of iPhone products available throughout the store.” The employee drove off on his segway.
“No, wait.” Edward’s complaint faded as his arms collapsed into his sides. He realised he didn’t need the iPhone. His old phone worked fine. As he left the store, he muttered to himself, “If this is the future. The future’s full of fuck-heads.”